I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts � I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy � come to kill us all �
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man � come to kill us all �
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot �
Sniff this and weep.

I Hate my choke chain �
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot � no greater bliss � well,
Maybe catching cats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.

Notice To All Who May Visit This House

I have Pets.
They live here. You don't.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"-niture.
I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
To you, they are animals. To me, they are my adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

And finally...

Remember that dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

Eat less
Don't ask for money all the time
Are easier to train
Normally come when called
Never ask to drive the car
Don't hang out with drug-using people
Don't smoke or drink
Don't want to wear your clothes
Don't have to buy the latest fashions
Don't need a gazillion dollar for collage and...
If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

My Best Friend

You are with me everyday,
In my heart you'll always stay,
Devoted and loyal in every way,
You loved your hugs and your play,
When I call your name to me you would run,
Games and tug of war were so much fun,
You always new when I was sad,
You would come to me and I was glad,
You are my best friend my sweetheart,
You leave your paw prints on my heart.

Hello....... Grooming Shop! I have this dear dog thats as sweet as can be as soon as you see her I know you'll agree

If it is alright, I will be in about eight
If I'm not there at nine, it means I'll be late.

Sweetie doesn't bite often, she knows it's not nice
just nips little children, and me once or twice.

She doesn't like cages, can't stand other pets
and if she's upset, she just simply wets.

You may bathe her fur, but don't let it soak in
I prefer that the water does not touch her skin

She has a bad back and can't sit or stand
so have her lay down while you empty her glands.

She's allergic to powders and dips make her sneeze
so please use the tweezers to pick out her fleas.

She loathes being brushed and watch how you clip
she has ten thousand matts, but I don't want a strip

There's a few more instructions, so here is a list
ignore that huge lump, it is only a cyst.

Leave her back long to hide her bad hip
a french moustache to cover the wart on her lip

She laid down in something thats black and quite gummy
but she always gets cold, so don't shave her tummy.

Poodle feet, poodle tail, of course, thats the style
Don't clip her nails, please use a file.

A very high top knot perfectly round
so what if there's little hair to be found.

I'm sure with your talent, if you just use your noodle
you can make my chihuahua look just like a poodle.

There's a few other things you really should know
she wants some perfume and a polka dot bow.

I'll be there to get her, I can't say just when
but just in case, have her ready by ten.